Treasure of Tayopa. I'm not sure exactly what to say about this movie other than it's awful. Awful. Awful. Awful. That's four awfuls just in case you weren't clear on how I truly felt.
Treasure of Tayopa starts off with a cock fight. When I say starts off with a cock fight I mean that the first frame you see in this movie is about halfway through a cock fight. No fade in from black, no title, no credits. Cock fight. That's four cock fights just because it's a funny word. Finally we meet three of the four people you'll be seeing in this movie, all on horses talking about the treasure and the boss that they're going to meet. Finally the boss arrives by plane and... get ready for this... it's a woman! Oh ho ho that will throw a monkey wrench in the plans! I guess.
After the title you're than treated to about two minutes of various scenes overlayed over each other but all showing very uninteresting things.
See that? Actually three different shots going on there. One of just a landscape, one of the four stars riding on horses and one of... lens flare. Hopefully you enjoy watching that kind of scene because you're going to see it a lot. Especially the lens flare.
Let's talk about the six people you'll be seeing in this movie:
Kathryn Delgadillo: She's the boss. Her father told her where to find the treasure of Tayopa (I'm not sure if it's explained why he never went and got it, but I wouldn't be surprised if it never was). She's a tough woman working in a man's world of (badly) treasure hunting.
Sally: He's the crazy one. That's right, he. Maybe it's a boy named Sue kind of thing. All you need to know is that he's crazy... for no real reason. Also if I'm planning on finding hidden treasure that would be worth millions you know the first guy I bring along? The mentally unstable guy. The kind of guy who brings a crossbow along for no reason. Yeah, I want him on my team.
Tom Stoddard: He's some guy. Really, he has very little purpose and you learn almost nothing about him. Good times.
Felipe Estrada: He's the translator. He has very little purpose and you learn almost nothing about him.
Then there's some mexican dude who follows them around for the entire movie (more on him in a moment). I'm sure they might have given his name, but I sure didn't hear it.
And then there's the banditos. The banditos are only there for (bad) plot reasons. Also all of them appear to have taken fashion advice from Speedy Gonzales.
Also there's a narrator. One you see. He comes in twice and explains about the history of Tayopa a bit and that's pretty much his two scenes.
So Kathryn, Sally, Tom and Felipe are on their way to Tayopa when they come across the banditos and our mystery mexican dude. The banditos proceed to hassle the bunch... and by hassle I mean they kind of ride around them yipping and yelping before letting them pass about 15 seconds later. But that's enough to put Sally in a whiny rage. He's complains to Tom that he wants to go back and see what they're up to because of three reasons:
1) Because of what they did to Kathryn.
2) They pulled his hair.
3) They pushed his horse.
What they did to Kathryn is... well nothing. Mostly got in her way and yipped and yelped. And you never actually see 2 or 3 happen. I suppose it all happened off screen or something.
Anyway Sally and Felipe head back to check out the banditos and their leader, the mystery mexican dude(or MMD as he'll be known from now on). The MMD leaves just before Sally and Felipe arrive so the banditos think this is a good time to drink tequila and shoot a rifle into the air. While they're doing this Sally kills them all. Because he's crazy. Also they pushed his horse and pulled his hair. I would kill six people because of this as well. So Sally and Felipe head back to camp (Felipe doesn't tell anyone what happens because... I don't know) and the MMD finds his whole bandit camp slain and decides to follow the four stars for the rest of the movie. At about the midpoint in the movie he cuts the ropes and lets their horses free. They walk and buy new horses. So he follows them some more. This guy is horrible at revenge.
So eventually they get to where Tayopa supposedly is and you learn more about our four stars... and by learn about them I mean you find that the reason they brought Sally is because he's really good at working a metal detector. Apparently they couldn't find a non-psychopath who could also work a metal detector.
All the while Sally is going more and more crazy for no real reason. From here on in this review there's major spoilers. Trust me, it doesn't matter. You don't want to see this movie anyway.
So Sally finds the treasure and proceeds to try and rape Kathryn but I guess midway decides it's better to hit her with his belt a couple times which leaves her close to death. He then proceeds to shoot Tom with a crossbow and Felipe with a real gun. That's another thing, at the first of this movie they gave Sally a gun. Again, you're just asking for trouble when you give the crazy crossbow dude a gun.
Kathryn isn't dead from her five belt lashes and proceeds to smash Sally's head in with a rock. Then she wanders around the desert, kills a rattle snake and eats it raw, finds a dry well and appears to die. Then a priest comes by and gives her water. Cut directly to a narrator who talks a little bit about Tayopa some more. Fin. That's it. The priest is never explained. Frankly I was just happy it was over.
This movie is absolutely awful. Don't watch it. It's not worth the 90 minutes of your life. It doesn't even fall into the "so bad it's good" category. It falls into the "so bad it's awful" category.
Squid.
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