Been dying to see Mama Dracula? How about Night Train to Terror? Now you can! Thanks to the wonders of YouTube Movies!
Mama Dracula
Night Train to Terror
All perfectly legit and on the up and up. I'll check back occasionally to see if any of the other movies I watched get uploaded.
Squid.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Night Train to Terror (1985)
If I had to describe Night Train to Terror in one word it would be confusing. If I had to describe it in three words it would be awesome and confusing. Night Train to Terror starts off with a great '80s song, with singing and dancing and trains.
Anyway after their done singing their awful yet catchy song you get to meet God and Satan who apparently travel by train. From what I gather they meet up occasionally to divvy up random souls, and with each soul you get to watch a story of how these people died. Starts off well enough, I mean all except for that godawful '80s song... but when you start to watch the three stories that's when it all goes to hell.
The three stories of the people's death? They make absolutely no sense. With a little bit of research you'll find out why. You see, most movies would film their own stories if they were going to put them in a movie... but not Night Train to Terror, it's different. You see the three stories you're seeing are actually just other movies edited down to around 20 minutes to make these stories.
The Case of Harry Billings? Actually a movie called Marilyn Alive and Behind Bars. The Case of Gretta Connors? Carnival of Fools. The Case of Claire Hansen? Cataclysm. If you add up the length of all these movies they're about 270 minutes long. Night Train to Terror is 93 minutes long. Think something might get lost in translation?
You bet ya! Night Train to Terror is like giving someone a 350 page book... except 179 pages are ripped out... and what is left isn't necessarily in order... also every 60 pages there's a bad '80s music video.
That's right, they even managed to screw up editing these movies correctly. Occasionally it's very noticeable that the scene you just watched happened after the scene you're watching now. In the second story the couple goes from hating each other and the girl having short hair to the couple being madly in love and the girl having long hair. I'm pretty sure you can't miss something like that so it tells me they just didn't care.
So here you have three 90 or so minute movies that you have to edit down to about 20 or so minutes each and try to make it at least somewhat coherent. If you were going to do that do you think you would pick two movies that didn't have THE SAME ACTOR IN THEM? Night Train to Terror didn't.
That's right, the first and third story both star Richard Moll. Seriously though of all the confusing things int his movie I don't think that even ranks in the top ten. There are so many things in this movie that confused me that I think I spent about 85 of the 90 minutes laughing and saying out lout "What the hell just happened!?"
This movie is bad. Really, really bad. So bad it's good. Hilariously good. You can't watch this movie without laughing. Confusing as hell, but so bad it's good.
Squid.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Firing Line (1988)
War is hell. There's nothing funny about war. Unless it's portrayed in the 1988 Shannon Tweed/Reb Brown film The Firing Line. Then it's the most unintentionally hilarious thing you've ever seen.
The movie starts off with six minutes of what appear to be the same 10 guerrilla rebels getting killed/blown up over and over again. Finally the plot got bored of this and figured it needed to advance itself, so instead of getting blown up one of the rebel fighters gets captured... but not just any rebel fighter, no this is Rodriguez. The man fighting the good fight and leading the revolution in this unnamed South American country. Also he's the whitest rebel fighter since Luke Skywalker.
Enter Captain Mark Hardin, the hero of our movie. All those rebel soldiers that were being blown up? That was Mark doing it. Now I know you're wondering "How can he be the hero if he was the one blowing up the rag tag group of rebels in his helicopter?" That amazing plot element will be explained later on. For now Rodriguez and Mark Hardin just have an awkward, uninteresting conversation before Mark hands him over to the true bad guys in this film, the evil government official and his equally evil United States government official counterpart.
Mark then heads back to a hotel bar where he proceeds to meet and awkwardly romance Shannon Tweed... I'm going to go off topic a little bit here, but I just want to say you might hear the words awkward and hilarious a lot in this review. Why? Well because every bit of dialogue in this movie was not only written poorly, but poorly delivered. It all seems to come off as awkward and hilariously bad.
After Mark's done putting the moves on Shannon Tweed, he learns that Rodriguez was killed! I can only assume he thought that handing over a rebel guerrilla leader to the government would end well. But Mark's on the case! He's going to find out what happened! He does so by confronting the government officials, which ends about as well as you would suspect. One hilariously bad conversation and fight scene later and our illustrious hero Mark is captured, imprisoned, and tortured. Fear not good reader, because this prison is run by the world's most inept guards meaning even someone who fights as badly as Mark Hardin can easily escape.
He then has to rescue Shannon Tweed, because despite the fact they only just met the enemy thinks she may know his whereabouts. The hilariously bad scene shown above is the rescue. I'm still unsure how he knew that they'd be taking her prisoner, maybe he just happened to be passing by and noticed them about to execute her in front of her hotel. I don't think it's ever really explained, but that about par for the course with this movie. Either way she's rescued and it's hilarious.
Hi-larious.
After rescuing her they're then promptly caught by the guerrilla rebels. Apparently Mark's not very good at this whole evading capture thing. But that's okay! Because Mark's going to help the rebels fight against the evil government now! You know, the one that he was a part of up until yesterday? Because killing unknown guerrillas from the safety of your helicopter is okay, but the second you kill the guerrilla leader you've gone too far.
The next thirty minutes of the movie are pretty much Mark showing the rebel soldiers how to fight... and by that I mean they go from a group who look like they've never heard of a gun let alone touched one to a group who looks like they might be able to hit a target if it accidentally got in front of their gun. Pretty soon though, they're taking over bases and kicking ass because the people they're fighting are slightly more inept then they are. Seriously, I think if you gave me a baseball bat and a switchblade I could take over this country.
Eventually the movie decides that it's had enough and needs to end itself, so Mark and the rebels decide to take over some radio tower and broadcast their message to the people or something along those lines. Unfortunately they have a traitor in their group and the government knows that the radio tower is their next target. I could go into detail about how this all ends but I'll just tell you that it's the most hilarious thirty minute battle scene I've ever seen in my entire life. All ending in our hero getting shot about fifteen times, jumping off of an exploding bridge, and somehow managing to come out no worse for wear.
Buy this movie. Not because it's a good movie, but for the exact opposite. This movie is absolutely horrible, but because of this it's absolutely hilarious. I spent more time laughing during this movie than I did while watching Prime Time, and that was a comedy. You can find this movie in dollar bins and trust me, it is so worth the money.
Watch this and tell me you don't want to see this movie.
Squid.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
How the Rating System Works
I thought I should specify how the rating system works, just in case you don't read the Mama Dracula review. Most of these movies that I will end up watching are going to be terrible. Not just terrible because of the bad acting, lousy productions, awful scripts, and horrible directing... those are all part of what makes them bad. What I've found generally with these types of movies is that you have all of those things, but you also have a movie that in the end is incoherent and confusing. Plot points not explained, new characters popping in with little to no explanation, horrible continuity issues, etc. It's things like that which take a movie from being bad to a movie being incomprehensible. A lot of those things popped up in Mama Dracula, like the Birthday Fish. I don't know why it's there, where it came from, or its purpose... but here it is. So instead of a lot of one star reviews I've decided to essentially rate there WTF?ness.
WTF?
If a movie is descent and watchable you're going to get one birthday fishes. If the movie is an awful mess that's probably not going to be enjoyed because it can't even be comprehended, then you're looking at a five birthday fishes kind of movie.
Hopefully this kind of clears up the rating system here at Bad Transfer Reviews. Just remember that here, one birthday fish is better than five birthday fish.
Squid.
If a movie is descent and watchable you're going to get one birthday fishes. If the movie is an awful mess that's probably not going to be enjoyed because it can't even be comprehended, then you're looking at a five birthday fishes kind of movie.
Hopefully this kind of clears up the rating system here at Bad Transfer Reviews. Just remember that here, one birthday fish is better than five birthday fish.
Squid.
Prime Time (1977)
FYI this movie is also know as American Raspberry.
Could it be? Could all the movies in this 50 pack not be as absolutely awful as Mama Dracula? Or have I just found the diamond in the rough?
I was pleasantly surprised with Prime Time, and it allows me to say something I never thought I would say in these reviews: not only did I enjoy this movie, I would actually recommend this movie. This is a vastly different from say Mama Dracula which I wouldn't even recommend to my enemies.
Prime Time is in the same vein as The Kentucky Fried Movie or Amazon Women on the Moon where it's essentially a movie, but with mostly a lot of skits. In Prime Time TV is taken over by... someone, I don't think they ever really say who and instead of your regularly scheduled programming you have some pretty hilarious, yet generally tasteless skits. Everything from the Supreme Court declaring that you can now abort children up to the age five or the pretty damn funny "Charles Whitman Invitational"
Like any of these movies the skits are hit and miss, but generally they're worth a chuckle. Also a lot of them are somewhat dated due to this being released thirty-three years ago. I would guess that a lot of kids nowadays don't even know who Charles Whitman is. Overall though it was pretty damn funny and had quite a few laugh out loud moments for me.
Normally while watching these movies I jot down notes here and there so I remember things for these reviews, with Prime Time I only wrote down about three things because I was actually enjoying the movie, it was actually funny and kept my attention. Prime time gets a 1 Birthday Fish out of 5 from me. It's actually worth seeing.
Squid.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tired of waiting for updates or just so bored with your own life that you want to see what I'm up to? Now you can! Follow me on Twitter to see what movies I'm watching, what games I'm playing, little mini reviews and other thoughts about this and my other blog.
Squid.
Squid.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Mama Dracula (1980)
I'm not even sure where to begin with Mama Dracula. Imagine taking a horror movie and crossing with a comedy movie, failing at both and then not telling your actors whether they're in the comedy movie or a horror movie. That pretty much sums up Mama Dracula.
Mama Dracula starts on a serious tone telling us the history of Countess Dracula (played by Academy Award winner Louise Fletcher) and how she ruled the countryside of Transylvania with cruelty, bathing in the blood of virgins to give her immortality. It then takes that somewhat serious tone and throws it right out the window and introduces us to Professor Von Bloed. Professor Von Bloed is a scientist who is trying to produce artificial blood... in what appears to be his basement.
Professor Von Bloed receives a letter inviting him to attend the "world blood congress" in Transylvania from Countess Dracula. Since I can only assume he spends a lot of time trying to make blood in his basement and doesn't have time to read books or watch movies, this doesn't send up any red flags. So Professor Von Blood boards a giant ocean liner and is off to Transylvania because apparently Delta doesn't have a hub there.
The Professor arrives and gets on a train, and this is where the movie take a giant turn for the WTF. This movie is set in modern time... and yet when the Professor gets off the train Transylvania it appears to be about the 1800's. For no apparent reason. It's not like accidentally got on the train from Back to the Future 3 and was transported back in time, because the rest of Transylvania is modern time as well. It's just this one village that appears to be stuck about 200 years in the past... and I'm not sure if it's ever explained, but they pop up inexplicably throughout the movie.
I could go on and keep explaining every single scene in this movie that makes no sense, but I really don't have the time so I'll just give you a brief synopsis.
Countess Dracula needs virgin blood, but in this day and age (the '80s) everyone is apparently a whore and there just aren't enough virgins to throw on the juicer so that she can bathe in their blood. So she hires Professor Von Bloed to synthesize virgin blood so that she can bathe in constantly.
Apparently before Professor Bloed came into the mix the Countess would get virgin blood with the aid of her two twin sons who look like they're wearing vampire Halloween costumes. They own a department store and when a virgin comes in to try clothes on they frighten her, she faints, and they haul her back up to the house so they can take all her precious, precious virgin blood. That's the plan, that's apparently how you get virgin blood.
Somewhere in this story there's a detective and his assistant (played by Maria Schneider) who are hot on the trail of whoever is kidnapping virgins, and by hot on the trail I mean the detective is more incompetent than Inspector Clouseau and Maria Schneider somehow manages to get herself kidnapped and imprisoned by the Countess.
And it all ends with a fashion runway show, Professor Bloed inviting artificial virgin blood, everyone having the option of becoming a vampire, and Maria Schneider marrying the two twin sons who up until this point I thought were gay. Yeah, makes perfect sense to me too.
There are little things here and there that I missed, but at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter because at the end of the day this movie is just plain awful. It wants to be a horror movie and comedy and fails at both. At the end of the day the movie is just too bad and too incoherent for it to be anything.
I really wanted to review this movie differently, I really did. I wanted to get a bit more in depth with this review... but I swear to God my brain just turned off about 3/4 of the way through. It had enough and wanted out. If I had to pinpoint the precise moment when this happens it would be at 57:13 when this happens:
I'm not sure what it is. From what I can tell is that it's some kind of fish that wanted to wish the Countess a happy birthday. That one picture pretty much sums up the movie for me.
Instead of stars I'm going to rate out of Birthday Fishes. 1 Birthday Fish being an okay movie that may actually be worth watching, 5 Birthday Fishes being an absolute mess of a movie. Mama Dracula gets 4 Birthday Fishes, and I hope not all of the movies are this bad.
Squid.
Mama Dracula starts on a serious tone telling us the history of Countess Dracula (played by Academy Award winner Louise Fletcher) and how she ruled the countryside of Transylvania with cruelty, bathing in the blood of virgins to give her immortality. It then takes that somewhat serious tone and throws it right out the window and introduces us to Professor Von Bloed. Professor Von Bloed is a scientist who is trying to produce artificial blood... in what appears to be his basement.
Professor Von Bloed receives a letter inviting him to attend the "world blood congress" in Transylvania from Countess Dracula. Since I can only assume he spends a lot of time trying to make blood in his basement and doesn't have time to read books or watch movies, this doesn't send up any red flags. So Professor Von Blood boards a giant ocean liner and is off to Transylvania because apparently Delta doesn't have a hub there.
The Professor arrives and gets on a train, and this is where the movie take a giant turn for the WTF. This movie is set in modern time... and yet when the Professor gets off the train Transylvania it appears to be about the 1800's. For no apparent reason. It's not like accidentally got on the train from Back to the Future 3 and was transported back in time, because the rest of Transylvania is modern time as well. It's just this one village that appears to be stuck about 200 years in the past... and I'm not sure if it's ever explained, but they pop up inexplicably throughout the movie.
I could go on and keep explaining every single scene in this movie that makes no sense, but I really don't have the time so I'll just give you a brief synopsis.
Countess Dracula needs virgin blood, but in this day and age (the '80s) everyone is apparently a whore and there just aren't enough virgins to throw on the juicer so that she can bathe in their blood. So she hires Professor Von Bloed to synthesize virgin blood so that she can bathe in constantly.
Apparently before Professor Bloed came into the mix the Countess would get virgin blood with the aid of her two twin sons who look like they're wearing vampire Halloween costumes. They own a department store and when a virgin comes in to try clothes on they frighten her, she faints, and they haul her back up to the house so they can take all her precious, precious virgin blood. That's the plan, that's apparently how you get virgin blood.
Somewhere in this story there's a detective and his assistant (played by Maria Schneider) who are hot on the trail of whoever is kidnapping virgins, and by hot on the trail I mean the detective is more incompetent than Inspector Clouseau and Maria Schneider somehow manages to get herself kidnapped and imprisoned by the Countess.
And it all ends with a fashion runway show, Professor Bloed inviting artificial virgin blood, everyone having the option of becoming a vampire, and Maria Schneider marrying the two twin sons who up until this point I thought were gay. Yeah, makes perfect sense to me too.
There are little things here and there that I missed, but at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter because at the end of the day this movie is just plain awful. It wants to be a horror movie and comedy and fails at both. At the end of the day the movie is just too bad and too incoherent for it to be anything.
I really wanted to review this movie differently, I really did. I wanted to get a bit more in depth with this review... but I swear to God my brain just turned off about 3/4 of the way through. It had enough and wanted out. If I had to pinpoint the precise moment when this happens it would be at 57:13 when this happens:
I'm not sure what it is. From what I can tell is that it's some kind of fish that wanted to wish the Countess a happy birthday. That one picture pretty much sums up the movie for me.
Instead of stars I'm going to rate out of Birthday Fishes. 1 Birthday Fish being an okay movie that may actually be worth watching, 5 Birthday Fishes being an absolute mess of a movie. Mama Dracula gets 4 Birthday Fishes, and I hope not all of the movies are this bad.
Squid.
Friday, February 12, 2010
God Bless You Mill Creek Entertainment
Ever pass one of those bins that have DVDs for a dollar in them and wonder if the movies are any good? Or have you seen the 20 or 50 movie packs for $15 and wonder just how awful all those movies are? My favorite are the ones that advertise some big move star being in them; yes Robert De Niro is in The Swap, but there's probably a reason you've never heard of it. Me too.
I assume these movies are bad... but how bad? So bad they're good, or just so bad that there's no redeeming qualities at all. Every time I see these DVDs I always wonder.
I watch a lot of movies. I have a rather large DVD collection, and part of it is made up by these dollar DVDs. I always have a tendency to buy them because who wouldn't want to see a movie called Santa Clause Conquers the Martians? Or Mama Dracula. The problem is, I always buy these movies... but I never watch them. I have at least three of these 50 movies packs and probably thirty random dollar DVDs, but I would say I've watch maybe five of the movies. That's all going to change. That's right, I'm going to sit down and watch these movies and comment on every single one of them.
So get a comfy chair, grab some popcorn, and get ready for a whole lot of bad movies.
Squid.
I assume these movies are bad... but how bad? So bad they're good, or just so bad that there's no redeeming qualities at all. Every time I see these DVDs I always wonder.
I watch a lot of movies. I have a rather large DVD collection, and part of it is made up by these dollar DVDs. I always have a tendency to buy them because who wouldn't want to see a movie called Santa Clause Conquers the Martians? Or Mama Dracula. The problem is, I always buy these movies... but I never watch them. I have at least three of these 50 movies packs and probably thirty random dollar DVDs, but I would say I've watch maybe five of the movies. That's all going to change. That's right, I'm going to sit down and watch these movies and comment on every single one of them.
So get a comfy chair, grab some popcorn, and get ready for a whole lot of bad movies.
Squid.
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