Mama Dracula starts on a serious tone telling us the history of Countess Dracula (played by Academy Award winner Louise Fletcher) and how she ruled the countryside of Transylvania with cruelty, bathing in the blood of virgins to give her immortality. It then takes that somewhat serious tone and throws it right out the window and introduces us to Professor Von Bloed. Professor Von Bloed is a scientist who is trying to produce artificial blood... in what appears to be his basement.
Professor Von Bloed receives a letter inviting him to attend the "world blood congress" in Transylvania from Countess Dracula. Since I can only assume he spends a lot of time trying to make blood in his basement and doesn't have time to read books or watch movies, this doesn't send up any red flags. So Professor Von Blood boards a giant ocean liner and is off to Transylvania because apparently Delta doesn't have a hub there.
The Professor arrives and gets on a train, and this is where the movie take a giant turn for the WTF. This movie is set in modern time... and yet when the Professor gets off the train Transylvania it appears to be about the 1800's. For no apparent reason. It's not like accidentally got on the train from Back to the Future 3 and was transported back in time, because the rest of Transylvania is modern time as well. It's just this one village that appears to be stuck about 200 years in the past... and I'm not sure if it's ever explained, but they pop up inexplicably throughout the movie.
I could go on and keep explaining every single scene in this movie that makes no sense, but I really don't have the time so I'll just give you a brief synopsis.
Countess Dracula needs virgin blood, but in this day and age (the '80s) everyone is apparently a whore and there just aren't enough virgins to throw on the juicer so that she can bathe in their blood. So she hires Professor Von Bloed to synthesize virgin blood so that she can bathe in constantly.
Apparently before Professor Bloed came into the mix the Countess would get virgin blood with the aid of her two twin sons who look like they're wearing vampire Halloween costumes. They own a department store and when a virgin comes in to try clothes on they frighten her, she faints, and they haul her back up to the house so they can take all her precious, precious virgin blood. That's the plan, that's apparently how you get virgin blood.
Somewhere in this story there's a detective and his assistant (played by Maria Schneider) who are hot on the trail of whoever is kidnapping virgins, and by hot on the trail I mean the detective is more incompetent than Inspector Clouseau and Maria Schneider somehow manages to get herself kidnapped and imprisoned by the Countess.
And it all ends with a fashion runway show, Professor Bloed inviting artificial virgin blood, everyone having the option of becoming a vampire, and Maria Schneider marrying the two twin sons who up until this point I thought were gay. Yeah, makes perfect sense to me too.
There are little things here and there that I missed, but at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter because at the end of the day this movie is just plain awful. It wants to be a horror movie and comedy and fails at both. At the end of the day the movie is just too bad and too incoherent for it to be anything.
I really wanted to review this movie differently, I really did. I wanted to get a bit more in depth with this review... but I swear to God my brain just turned off about 3/4 of the way through. It had enough and wanted out. If I had to pinpoint the precise moment when this happens it would be at 57:13 when this happens:
I'm not sure what it is. From what I can tell is that it's some kind of fish that wanted to wish the Countess a happy birthday. That one picture pretty much sums up the movie for me.
Instead of stars I'm going to rate out of Birthday Fishes. 1 Birthday Fish being an okay movie that may actually be worth watching, 5 Birthday Fishes being an absolute mess of a movie. Mama Dracula gets 4 Birthday Fishes, and I hope not all of the movies are this bad.
Squid.
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