War is hell. There's nothing funny about war. Unless it's portrayed in the 1988 Shannon Tweed/Reb Brown film The Firing Line. Then it's the most unintentionally hilarious thing you've ever seen.
The movie starts off with six minutes of what appear to be the same 10 guerrilla rebels getting killed/blown up over and over again. Finally the plot got bored of this and figured it needed to advance itself, so instead of getting blown up one of the rebel fighters gets captured... but not just any rebel fighter, no this is Rodriguez. The man fighting the good fight and leading the revolution in this unnamed South American country. Also he's the whitest rebel fighter since Luke Skywalker.
Enter Captain Mark Hardin, the hero of our movie. All those rebel soldiers that were being blown up? That was Mark doing it. Now I know you're wondering "How can he be the hero if he was the one blowing up the rag tag group of rebels in his helicopter?" That amazing plot element will be explained later on. For now Rodriguez and Mark Hardin just have an awkward, uninteresting conversation before Mark hands him over to the true bad guys in this film, the evil government official and his equally evil United States government official counterpart.
Mark then heads back to a hotel bar where he proceeds to meet and awkwardly romance Shannon Tweed... I'm going to go off topic a little bit here, but I just want to say you might hear the words awkward and hilarious a lot in this review. Why? Well because every bit of dialogue in this movie was not only written poorly, but poorly delivered. It all seems to come off as awkward and hilariously bad.
After Mark's done putting the moves on Shannon Tweed, he learns that Rodriguez was killed! I can only assume he thought that handing over a rebel guerrilla leader to the government would end well. But Mark's on the case! He's going to find out what happened! He does so by confronting the government officials, which ends about as well as you would suspect. One hilariously bad conversation and fight scene later and our illustrious hero Mark is captured, imprisoned, and tortured. Fear not good reader, because this prison is run by the world's most inept guards meaning even someone who fights as badly as Mark Hardin can easily escape.
He then has to rescue Shannon Tweed, because despite the fact they only just met the enemy thinks she may know his whereabouts. The hilariously bad scene shown above is the rescue. I'm still unsure how he knew that they'd be taking her prisoner, maybe he just happened to be passing by and noticed them about to execute her in front of her hotel. I don't think it's ever really explained, but that about par for the course with this movie. Either way she's rescued and it's hilarious.
Hi-larious.
After rescuing her they're then promptly caught by the guerrilla rebels. Apparently Mark's not very good at this whole evading capture thing. But that's okay! Because Mark's going to help the rebels fight against the evil government now! You know, the one that he was a part of up until yesterday? Because killing unknown guerrillas from the safety of your helicopter is okay, but the second you kill the guerrilla leader you've gone too far.
The next thirty minutes of the movie are pretty much Mark showing the rebel soldiers how to fight... and by that I mean they go from a group who look like they've never heard of a gun let alone touched one to a group who looks like they might be able to hit a target if it accidentally got in front of their gun. Pretty soon though, they're taking over bases and kicking ass because the people they're fighting are slightly more inept then they are. Seriously, I think if you gave me a baseball bat and a switchblade I could take over this country.
Eventually the movie decides that it's had enough and needs to end itself, so Mark and the rebels decide to take over some radio tower and broadcast their message to the people or something along those lines. Unfortunately they have a traitor in their group and the government knows that the radio tower is their next target. I could go into detail about how this all ends but I'll just tell you that it's the most hilarious thirty minute battle scene I've ever seen in my entire life. All ending in our hero getting shot about fifteen times, jumping off of an exploding bridge, and somehow managing to come out no worse for wear.
Buy this movie. Not because it's a good movie, but for the exact opposite. This movie is absolutely horrible, but because of this it's absolutely hilarious. I spent more time laughing during this movie than I did while watching Prime Time, and that was a comedy. You can find this movie in dollar bins and trust me, it is so worth the money.
Watch this and tell me you don't want to see this movie.
Squid.
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